Trust and Be Vulnerable

A while back, I addressed the sounds of love in the tip, “Wake the Neighbors.” In this tip we look at another aspect of abandon.

If you feel inhibited relative to sexual abandon, you’re not alone. In western Puritanical culture, an aptitude for wild-haired unabashed expression of pleasure has never been on the list of discussable personal attributes in most social circles.

So if you find yourself sometimes holding back in terms of full sexual self-expression, discuss it with your partner. Together you need to create a cocoon of permission and safety. You may fear losing control. But remember that one reason orgasm is so sought after is BECAUSE we lose control, we go beyond our egos, if only for a moment. We secretly yearn for a chance to loosen our tightly held grip on the constructed image we present to the world. This transpersonal experience can be expanded, and who better to do it with than with the one you love? You may not be comfortable with how you think you look or sound, only to find that your partner finds you most attractive when you are cutting loose.

Here’s one measure of your willingness to be vulnerable: When you are alone sexually, are you more uninhibited than with a partner? If so, notice what you are holding back when you are together, and see if you can allow yourself to relax into the experience without reservation.

Trust and vulnerability are intrinsically linked. The degree to which you allow yourself to be vulnerable and out of control, conveys the degree to which you trust your partner. And your partner intuitively knows this. When you let yourself lose control during lovemaking, you are saying to your partner, “I trust you enough to know you’re not going to judge me or take advantage of me when you see me like this.”

It works both ways. Can you allow your partner total sexual abandon? . . . facial contortions? . . . how about emotional release in the form of screams, tears, growls or whatever comes out? Can you remain fully present, accepting, even enthusiastic, regardless of how he or she looks and acts in the midst of unrestrained passion?

If this is difficult for either of you, try experimenting with baby steps toward self-abandonment, toward trust and vulnerability. You might make a game of it, each of you trying one or two new ways to let your partner know how much you’re enjoying a particular moment or move, and then check in afterwards to see if they “got it.” This kind of discussion and shared experimentation can, in itself, lead to greater intimacy.


“Drop your will into the willingness to surrender.”


If trust and vulnerability are difficult for you because of past sexual trauma, you may be interested in this:

Forward this tip to friends, relations and clients who might enjoy a little more love and connectedness in their lives.

You are welcome to otherwise reproduce this “Love Tip” in its entirety, as long as you include the copyright, a link to the Extatica web site: and my email address. Please send a copy along to me if you do. Thank you, and enjoy!

I welcome your feedback on these “Love Tips” (including whatever happens as a result)

Ellen Eatough, M.A. “The Soulful Sex Coach”
Extatica, Inc., “Your Resource for Sexual-Spiritual Fulfillment”

“Extatica Love Tips: How to Connect More Deeply with Yourself, Your Lover and the Divine” is a free e-mailer provided by Ellen Eatough, M.A., sexual spiritual consultant and founder of Extatica, Inc.

To Subscribe:

Copyright © 2002-2011 Ellen Eatough, M.A.