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Posts from the ‘blog’ Category
Trust and Be Vulnerable
A while back, I addressed the sounds of love in the tip, “Wake the Neighbors.” In this tip we look at another aspect of abandon.
If you feel inhibited relative to sexual abandon, you’re not alone. In western Puritanical culture, an aptitude for wild-haired unabashed expression of pleasure has never been on the list of discussable personal attributes in most social circles.
So if you find yourself sometimes holding back in terms of full sexual self-expression, discuss it with your partner. Together you need to create a cocoon of permission and safety. You may fear losing control. But remember that one reason orgasm is so sought after is BECAUSE we lose control, we go beyond our egos, if only for a moment. We secretly yearn for a chance to loosen our tightly held grip on the constructed image we present to the world. This transpersonal experience can be expanded, and who better to do it with than with the one you love? You may not be comfortable with how you think you look or sound, only to find that your partner finds you most attractive when you are cutting loose.
Here’s one measure of your willingness to be vulnerable: When you are alone sexually, are you more uninhibited than with a partner? If so, notice what you are holding back when you are together, and see if you can allow yourself to relax into the experience without reservation.
Trust and vulnerability are intrinsically linked. The degree to which you allow yourself to be vulnerable and out of control, conveys the degree to which you trust your partner. And your partner intuitively knows this. When you let yourself lose control during lovemaking, you are saying to your partner, “I trust you enough to know you’re not going to judge me or take advantage of me when you see me like this.”
It works both ways. Can you allow your partner total sexual abandon? . . . facial contortions? . . . how about emotional release in the form of screams, tears, growls or whatever comes out? Can you remain fully present, accepting, even enthusiastic, regardless of how he or she looks and acts in the midst of unrestrained passion?
If this is difficult for either of you, try experimenting with baby steps toward self-abandonment, toward trust and vulnerability. You might make a game of it, each of you trying one or two new ways to let your partner know how much you’re enjoying a particular moment or move, and then check in afterwards to see if they “got it.” This kind of discussion and shared experimentation can, in itself, lead to greater intimacy.
“Drop your will into the willingness to surrender.”
If trust and vulnerability are difficult for you because of past sexual trauma, you may be interested in this: www.extatica.com/services.htm
Forward this tip to friends, relations and clients who might enjoy a little more love and connectedness in their lives.
You are welcome to otherwise reproduce this “Love Tip” in its entirety, as long as you include the copyright, a link to the Extatica web site: www.extatica.com and my email address. Please send a copy along to me if you do. Thank you, and enjoy!
I welcome your feedback on these “Love Tips” (including whatever happens as a result)
“Extatica Love Tips: How to Connect More Deeply with Yourself, Your Lover and the Divine” is a free e-mailer provided by Ellen Eatough, M.A., sexual spiritual consultant and founder of Extatica, Inc.
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Copyright © 2002-2011 Ellen Eatough, M.A.
This is quite amazing! I think you’ll like it.
This is a great video trailer for a great book by a good friend of mine. Check it out!
This is an incredible photo!
I read a very heart-rending blog post today, which I highly recommend to anyone at any point in the writing arena. Whether you are just thinking of writing a book someday or a full-blown published author, this blog post will do nothing less than enlighten you.
Go ahead and read it, and the one it refers to, then get back to me and read my own personal response to all the feelings they bring to the surface for me.
First of all, this is some really deep stuff. I suppose I had a dream a long time ago when I was writing my first book, not knowing a damn thing about the reality of the publishing clockworks. After I was published by a small publishing house- no advance, no marketing help, no tours or publicity- the previous naivete dropped away and I was left with the knowing that this is just another business. The art of it is quickly stripped away when an author transfers themselves from the art of the writing to the business of marketing; becoming, instead of an artist, a salesperson of sorts. I’ve spent way more time trying to hawk my four books than I have on doing what I felt born to do: write great stories. And as time goes by and I find I am a small fish in a big pond of bigger and better storytellers, the love I once had for the art has become so jaded that I now find it hard to write at all. After all, I have shared my very soul with this world; put my heart out there where it was judged just not good enough. That’s enough, I’d say, to have reason to put up a thousand veils. I just ain’t the sales type. But, hey, I still love every bit of what I’ve put down on paper. And I have to believe, nay KNOW, that that is enough. Because in the end, that’s where the only real happiness lies.
I’ve been writing for what seems like forever. My mom taught me to read even before I started kindergarten, so I was highly praised in school for my awesome talent! My mother also read a lot, which made me want to read a lot, too. So I read and I read and I read. Finally, somewhere along the way, I started getting this little feeling inside me saying, “I bet I could write better than that.”
Since my self-esteem wasn’t too great it took me many years before I actually wrote something big: a play titled Angel in the House. It was for a women’s lit. class, and was highly acclaimed by the teacher and my fellow students. I got such a rush from writing down all this stuff that I had made up in my head that I wrote a novella titled Native Vengeance. I wanted to start small so I could see what it took to get a large number of words all together in one place. It worked! So I decided to write an entire novel this time, titled Quantum Earth.
I felt so ‘in the zone’ while writing. It was a high like no other! The next step was finding someone to publish my book. That took almost as long as writing the darned thing! But at long last, I ended up with two different publishers wanting it. I made that hard choice and waited for the revision process. My manuscript went back and forth between my editor and me a few times till we got it right. I was so thrilled at this point I could barely eat!
Of course the boom hit when I found out about the marketing aspect of writing a book. I did a crash course on marketing online, trying to figure out the best way to get my book and my name out there to the reading public. I won’t go into much detail as I’m sure you all know by now how much work and a pain in the arse all that is. And all that work seemed like it was for nothing because almost nobody was buying my book no matter what I did.
Nevertheless, the following year I had my second book, Deadly Lucidity, published. But, alas, nobody was buying much of them either. I consulted a book marketing pro, willing to pay him if I had to so I could just sell a few more books. I was surprised when he told me I didn’t need his services as I was doing everything possible, and it was just a matter of time before my books caught on. Very interesting, I thought.
Then I made friends with someone who was self-publishing his own books, and edified me on why self-publishing is really so much better for a writer than traditional for so many reasons. I was convinced. I published Earthwalker and Native Vengeance within a week. I was very happy with self-publishing for a lot of reasons, like having control of my own work, getting paid WAY more for each paper and e-book sold, having all the information about each sale and who bought it, etc. So I went to my publisher and asked for the rights to my first two books so I could publish those, too. I published Quantum Earth in January, and will publish Deadly Lucidity sometime in the fall.
These days I have what I think is a dynamite idea for a new book: a young reporter is assigned to do a story about the latest drug craze that is raging like wildfire across the U.S. To do the story justice she decides to experiment by taking this drug herself, the effects of which are mind traveling to other dimensions. I don’t have a title as of yet, but I’m pretty excited about starting to get it down on paper. So what’s stopping me you may ask? I have to kick some ideas around in my head a bit more before it is solidified enough to warrant actual pen and paper. Ya see, as most of you may know already, writing a whole gosh darn book is a huge commitment not to be taken lightly. You best be sure you have enough words to last the whole way through!